So Hollywood

All of this is true. Only the names has been omitted, to protect my future career prospects...

So, last week I worked my first freelance Hollywood job and, gosh, it was an experience.

On Wednesday night I’m sitting out on the front porch with Laura-from-downstairs when she receives a phone call from her boss (an eminent film producer) asking her if she would like a week-long job organising a one day film shoot for a rather famous film star. The film star in question is very busy, and wants to shoot a monologue the next Tuesday. The purpose of this shoot is for him to perform said monologue made-up to look like a famous author from the last century. It is his passion to make a feature film based on this author’s life story, and he is trying to convince the money men firstly that he can perform as this person, and secondly that the make-up can be applied convincingly. (The author cuts a rather older and uglier figure than the actor.)


Laura takes on the rather daunting job of organising the entire shoot from scratch in a week, and promptly employs me as her second-in-command. Things happen fast in Hollywoodland.

The next day I get to meet with the actor over breakfast. It is slightly painful to have ones first proper meeting with a bona fide Hollywood star take place at seven in the morning when you haven't had time to put any makeup on. Jessie and I sit with him in his trailer and try to get him to make some decisions. He's a strange creature. Has a reputation for being difficult. Saying that he was lovely to Laura and I during the week of preproduction - one of the smartest, funniest most charismatic people I have ever met. Obsessed with the author, which can only be a good thing. He quickly becomes familiar with Laura and I, thinks nothing of parading around in his underpants in front of us whilst in his trailer. Later he demonstrates "how annoying it is when people don't respect your personal space" by stroking my arm for 5 minutes.

Then, on shoot day, he went completely mental on us. Turns out that the reason he has this "reputation", is that he's a hard-core method actor of the old school. Now, as the elderly author he is portraying was an alcoholic misogynist forced to whore himself on lecture tours so as to have enough money to eat, this made for a rather unpleasant atmosphere for the women on set, especially the ones who had to tell him what to do (Jessie and I). At one point he shouted "women, I'm surrounded by bloody women" in his character’s southern drawl, before throwing a whole load of notecards at Elizabeth (our sweet and innocent 23 year old production assistant and downstairs neighbour, who hadn't met the actor before, and hence just concluded that he was the most horrid man in the world).

But, the day soon turned even more bizarre. The actor had emphasized Laura and I during preprod that he was v. clean living. No tobacco or alcohol ever, only eats raw foods. Fine we say, we can accommodate all that within this tiny 5 days preprod period, even though the author he is playing was an alcoholic cigar smoker and Laura and I have to organise EVERY single aspect of the whole shoot between us in a week, and for v little money.

The whiskey is simple - I buy a crystal tumbler from a thrift store and fill it with a blend of decaf ice tea that the actor approves of. The cigar becomes the bane of my existence. After enthusiastically agreeing to get the actor a tobacco-free cigar, we soon learn that such things do not actually exist (which makes sense when you think about the fact that a cigar is wrapped up in one giant tobacco leaf). I call up head shops, I have in-depth discussions with custom cigar making companies but, no, tobacco-free cigars do not exist.

We consider going back to the actor and telling him this. But we don't want to do that. The actor is trusting us to put together this shoot, and we've already learnt that he's the kind of guy who doesn't need to know exactly how everything is done, he just wants it done.

Anyway. So, with many years of cigarette rolling experience behind me, I endeavour to construct my own tobacco-free cigars (who could have guessed that all those nights of drunkenly rolling cigarettes would come in useful one day). They take about an hour to make each, but they are so beautiful. I slowly and carefully hollow out regular cigars with tweezers and kebab skewers, then refill them with herbal tobacco from herbal cigarettes. To compensate for the smoke from the tobacco leaf that still forms the wrapper, I manage to find a way to squeeze three cigarette filters into one end. Gina tries to help, but just destroys things. Turns out that herbal cigar making is a highly skilled profession. The night before the shoot I get Scott to test a cigar, as he is the most smoke-hating person I know. He tries one. Not only does it smoke properly, but he announces that it in no way makes him feel ill. Result!

Now for the juicy part. We get on set and get busy with prep. Laura's answering a million phone calls and dealing with crew, I'm hurridly writing out the prompt cards that the actor "forgot" that he said he wanted to do himself, as well as putting up our set and arranging the props (as it's a tiny crew I'd also been promoted to head of art department - which I actually really enjoyed). The actor is having his makeup put on. Everything is good and calm, except for Laura, who is super-stressed because, although everything on shoot is going fine, she has forgotten her cigarettes. I try and calm her down, send one of the PA’s out to buy her fags. I cannot believe that I am somehow not the person being sent out to get fags, but am high up enough to be the one doing the sending. When did this happen?

Anyway, the actor comes on to set and is being all authorly and abusive. (I will point out that although this is disconcerting, his acting is SUPERB. It's kind of like when you fist see someone really truly beautiful, and you realize that all the people you've seen in your life and though pretty were just that - jus pretty, not beautiful. The level of brilliance separating the actor's acting and anyone I have seen act on stage ever is amazing. He WAS the author. And I can now understand why some actors get paid so much money (only some, mind, i haven't gone completely crazy)).

Anyway, we start shooting and the actor/author decides he doesn't want the filters in the cigar because that's not how real cigars are. We tell him that we know that, but that we were just trying to keep the unpleasantness level as low as possible. We tell him we have real cigars that we can give him if he'd like true authenticity. No he decides, he doesn't want to go that far. We decide to just take the filters out. His bloody choice.


The first few takes go fine. By take 3, actor/author is acting a little weird. He's adlibbing more, and is really bringing out the author as drunk side of the monologue, instead of just the author as funny humorist. It looks amazing. Take 4 is even better, starting to take our breath away when, after just a few lines, actor/author yells cut and storms off set, followed by his makeup/hair guys who generally trail him everywhere.

No-one's that concerned - actor/author has been having tantrums and storming off all day. We start to reset the camera and lights. Those who smoke pop out for a quick fag. Others grab coffee from craft services. All is going fine until the $30,000 a day prosthetics dude walks back onto set shouting it's a wrap kids, it's a wrap.

Actor/author is in his dressing room, feeling very unwell. The story is that the actor was so into the part that he managed to actually get drunk on decaf ice tea whiskey and herbal cigar smoke. Play a dying alcoholic and you get drunk and sick, if you're as sensitive a soul, and as good an actor, as the actor is...

Other stories do circulate, too salacious to be written here. Ask me very nicely and I might tell you about them. Might.