Apologies to everyone I saw back in London last week, who have already heard this story straight from my angry little mouth. However, it's a tale so distressing that it just cries out to be written down...
One of the (many) moderately bizarre things about life in L.A. is the way that the whole city seems to be one giant pick-up joint. In some ways this must be great for single people, as one gets asked out on dates and dinners about a thousand times more than in England. On the other hand, it's rather disconcerting that you end up fending off men when you've just popped down to the supermarket to buy a pint of milk. I thought this might just be an L.A. phenomenom, but I have recently received confirmation that Americans from all over the country are shocked, when visiting England, to discover that no-one dresses up to go to the supermarket. To be honest, I'm kind of glad that I'm not single here. The idea of putting on makeup and nice clothes every time you leave the house 'just in case' seems rather exhausting.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I'd gone down to the local Ralphs (think Tescos but with all the products arranged in really counter-intuitive groupings [why on earth would anyone group vinegar in with soups rather than, say, salad dressings or condiments?]) wearing my clearly totally-inappropriate-to-grocery-shopping-in-America jeans, sweatshirt and un-made-up face. I was hoping that this would mean I could do my shopping free from male hassle. I thought I'd succeeded but, no, standing in the check-out queue I found myself accosted by a man whose appearence epitomised every stereotype one could possibly have about Californian surfer-dudes. He chats to me about the contents of my basket, and I respond with the sort of bland smalltalk that seems appropriate. I happen to mention that I've only just moved here. He replies that I must be finding life here pretty different to China.
China? I respond. What's China got to do with anything? He looks confused at this, and says that well, seeing as I'm Chinese I must find America pretty confusing. I honestly don't know how to respond to this. As far as I'm aware I neither look Chinese, or speak with anything resembling a Chinese accent (and it worries me slightly that it clearly sounds to Americans as if English is my second language). Not wanting to get involved in some ridiculous debate while trying to pay for my shopping, I decide to simply smile and tell him that no, actually I'm English. To this he nods and says "well, I was close, wasn't I? After all, England and China are next to each other".
No surfer-dude man, no they're not. I don't know which shocks me more - the level of geographical ignorance, or the fact that this man (who, btw, appears to be in his late-20s, not 16 or anything) appears to show absoloutely no shame or embarassment when I explain to him that these two places are in entirely different continents.
I'm not a genius. I freely admit that there's an awful lot of stuff that I don't know, particularly with regard to U.S. history and geography. But (and in my mind this is a big but), if I get something hideously wrong and someone corrects me, I show at least some interest in finding out the real answer. This guy was completely unbothered by his ignorance.
Maybe I'm an insufferable intellectual snob. Clearly if I ever want to fit in here I'm going to have to get over this and embrace self-belief as more important than intellectual acumen. The cardinal social rule here seems to be to never criticise anything, and always agree with everything everyone ever says, even if you know them to be wrong (the correct form for coping with such wrongness is apparently to just go home and bitch about it afterwards, thus sparing the feelings of the person in question). It's just so hard when I've lived my whole life thinking that the pursuit of knowledge is more important than hurting someone's feelings a little bit. Am I right or wrong readers? Opinions gladly taken (even [nay, especially] those that differ from my own).
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
The Power of Positive Thinking
So I'm back in L.A. after a glorious four days in England, that served to confirm just how much I miss the motherland. I always know how much I miss my family and friends, how self-centered I find a lot of people here, but I forget how truly inspiring it is to live in a city as beautiful as London. And, yes, London is beautiful in its chaos*, and one doesn't even really notice it until one is transplanted to a city** where everything is modern and organised and washed out and grey - and just plain same-y. (Sorry, it appears that eloquence is evading me today - I think I'll blame it on the jetlag.)
It was lovely to see so many friends, although a little heart-breaking that by the end I was fitting people into half-hour timeslots. Four days is not enough. Of course, everyone asked me how I was finding life in America, and I found that the tone of my answer tended to depend mainly on proximity to the husband. Much as I may moan and bitch about life in the land of the free and the home of the brave, having to try to find positive things to say about my adopted homeland in front of Scott did make me realise that there are - genuinely - some things that the U.S.A. does a lot better than in England. As you will see, these are important US achievements that more than make up for the lack of a free healthcare system and such.
Here, in no particular order, are the top 5 ways that living in the US is better than the UK.
5 - Walk-in closets in every bedroom. A teenage fantasy come to life, taking the pain out of outfit selection.
4 - "Two-buck chuck". A bottle of wine for the equivalent of a pound. I was initally reticent to try this, as it seemed impossible that a company could actually produce wine this cheaply - surely it costs that much for the bottle?!? Surprisingly non-disgusting. Not great but, you know, drinkable.
3 - Butter. Not the product itself, which is much the same, but the fact that inside the initial wrapper the creamy goodness is sub-divided into wrapped strips. These strips are printed with a measuring chart, which tells you where to cut for different weights and measurements. I realise this is of limited excitment to those who don't bake, but I was amazed! My mother informs me that British butter used to come the same way - why on earth has this been stopped?
2 - Edible fast-food. Don't get too excited, all the usual fast-food hellholes still rule the roost. However, there are also a proliferation of mexican fast-food places (Baja Fresh etc...) that are both scrummy and cheap. Probably score better on the global deforestation and exploitation of workers front too.
1 - Liquor store delivery service. I remember being involved in a long conversation back in the uni days about how great it would be if after the local shop had closed/it was cold, one could order takeaway wine and cigarettes. People, I am pleased to report that the shopkeepers of America listened to this plea and, for the princely sum of a dollar, the local liquor store will deliver whatever you want to your door - 24 hours a day. I'm still too embarrased to actually use this service, although the girls downstairs tell me I will get over this. They're now trying to get over the fact that the store now recognises their number when they call up, and asks whether they'll be wanting the wine or vodka tonight.
There you go. There's also the cheap cosmetics and the sunshine, but they seem a little too boring to list. Will update on further good things as I discover them. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be able to think of more good things than bad...
*Yes, I'm aware that its sounds wrong here. I have a vague feeling that cities are probably feminine, or is that just boats? Is there some kind of gender rule here, or does it depend on the city in question?
**I am still loath to describe Los Angeles as a city. Yes, it's a big, but in my mind true city-status requires some sort of central downtown area and people wandering around (sitting in cars doesn't count, even if you are mainly in traffic jams). It also requires some sense of unique character and charm. There is little about Los Angeles that one could describe as charming. Unless you get turned on by freeways and car wrecks (and if a David Cronenberg movie says you can, then it must be possible). In character and architecture L.A. is nothing more than a giant suburb.
It was lovely to see so many friends, although a little heart-breaking that by the end I was fitting people into half-hour timeslots. Four days is not enough. Of course, everyone asked me how I was finding life in America, and I found that the tone of my answer tended to depend mainly on proximity to the husband. Much as I may moan and bitch about life in the land of the free and the home of the brave, having to try to find positive things to say about my adopted homeland in front of Scott did make me realise that there are - genuinely - some things that the U.S.A. does a lot better than in England. As you will see, these are important US achievements that more than make up for the lack of a free healthcare system and such.
Here, in no particular order, are the top 5 ways that living in the US is better than the UK.
5 - Walk-in closets in every bedroom. A teenage fantasy come to life, taking the pain out of outfit selection.
4 - "Two-buck chuck". A bottle of wine for the equivalent of a pound. I was initally reticent to try this, as it seemed impossible that a company could actually produce wine this cheaply - surely it costs that much for the bottle?!? Surprisingly non-disgusting. Not great but, you know, drinkable.
3 - Butter. Not the product itself, which is much the same, but the fact that inside the initial wrapper the creamy goodness is sub-divided into wrapped strips. These strips are printed with a measuring chart, which tells you where to cut for different weights and measurements. I realise this is of limited excitment to those who don't bake, but I was amazed! My mother informs me that British butter used to come the same way - why on earth has this been stopped?
2 - Edible fast-food. Don't get too excited, all the usual fast-food hellholes still rule the roost. However, there are also a proliferation of mexican fast-food places (Baja Fresh etc...) that are both scrummy and cheap. Probably score better on the global deforestation and exploitation of workers front too.
1 - Liquor store delivery service. I remember being involved in a long conversation back in the uni days about how great it would be if after the local shop had closed/it was cold, one could order takeaway wine and cigarettes. People, I am pleased to report that the shopkeepers of America listened to this plea and, for the princely sum of a dollar, the local liquor store will deliver whatever you want to your door - 24 hours a day. I'm still too embarrased to actually use this service, although the girls downstairs tell me I will get over this. They're now trying to get over the fact that the store now recognises their number when they call up, and asks whether they'll be wanting the wine or vodka tonight.
There you go. There's also the cheap cosmetics and the sunshine, but they seem a little too boring to list. Will update on further good things as I discover them. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be able to think of more good things than bad...
*Yes, I'm aware that its sounds wrong here. I have a vague feeling that cities are probably feminine, or is that just boats? Is there some kind of gender rule here, or does it depend on the city in question?
**I am still loath to describe Los Angeles as a city. Yes, it's a big, but in my mind true city-status requires some sort of central downtown area and people wandering around (sitting in cars doesn't count, even if you are mainly in traffic jams). It also requires some sense of unique character and charm. There is little about Los Angeles that one could describe as charming. Unless you get turned on by freeways and car wrecks (and if a David Cronenberg movie says you can, then it must be possible). In character and architecture L.A. is nothing more than a giant suburb.
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